Shame, Self-Criticism, and the Inner Voice That Won’t Let Up
Many people live with an internal voice that is relentlessly critical. It points out mistakes, anticipates failure, and judges thoughts, feelings, or behaviour harshly. For some, this voice is so familiar that it feels like truth rather than opinion.
Shame and self-criticism are often misunderstood as signs of low self-esteem or a need for more confidence. In reality, they are deeply rooted emotional strategies that usually develop for understandable reasons.
Shame and self-criticism are often misunderstood as signs of low self-esteem or a need for more confidence. In reality, they are deeply rooted emotional strategies that usually develop for understandable reasons.
What shame actually is
Shame is a social emotion. It arises when there is a perceived threat to belonging, acceptance, or connection with others. At its core, shame communicates a painful message: there is something wrong with me.
Unlike guilt, which relates to specific actions, shame is about identity. It does not say I did something bad — it says I am bad. This makes it particularly powerful and difficult to shift.
Shame often develops early, especially in environments where emotional needs were unmet, feelings were criticised or ignored, or acceptance felt conditional.
Unlike guilt, which relates to specific actions, shame is about identity. It does not say I did something bad — it says I am bad. This makes it particularly powerful and difficult to shift.
Shame often develops early, especially in environments where emotional needs were unmet, feelings were criticised or ignored, or acceptance felt conditional.
Why self-criticism develops
Self-criticism is rarely the problem it appears to be. More often, it is a protective strategy.
For many people, the inner critic developed as a way of anticipating rejection, preventing mistakes, maintaining control, or staying acceptable to others.
By criticising the self first, the individual attempts to avoid being criticised, rejected, or shamed by others. In this way, self-criticism functions as a form of self-protection.
For many people, the inner critic developed as a way of anticipating rejection, preventing mistakes, maintaining control, or staying acceptable to others.
By criticising the self first, the individual attempts to avoid being criticised, rejected, or shamed by others. In this way, self-criticism functions as a form of self-protection.
Why self-criticism doesn’t motivate change
Many people believe that being hard on themselves will help them improve. Research consistently shows the opposite.
Self-criticism activates threat systems in the brain, increasing stress, anxiety, and defensiveness. Rather than promoting learning or growth, it narrows attention and reduces flexibility.
Self-criticism activates threat systems in the brain, increasing stress, anxiety, and defensiveness. Rather than promoting learning or growth, it narrows attention and reduces flexibility.
The emotional cost of chronic shame
Living with ongoing shame is emotionally taxing. It can lead to anxiety and depression, difficulties in relationships, perfectionism or avoidance, and a sense of being fundamentally flawed.
Because shame is painful, people often try to push it away. Unfortunately, suppression tends to strengthen shame rather than resolve it.
Because shame is painful, people often try to push it away. Unfortunately, suppression tends to strengthen shame rather than resolve it.
A different therapeutic approach
Effective therapeutic work with shame does not focus on arguing with the inner critic or replacing it with forced positive thinking.
Instead, therapy helps people understand where self-criticism came from, recognise its protective intentions, notice how it operates in the present, and develop a more compassionate relationship with themselves.
Instead, therapy helps people understand where self-criticism came from, recognise its protective intentions, notice how it operates in the present, and develop a more compassionate relationship with themselves.
Learning to relate differently to the inner voice
The goal is not to silence the inner critic completely. For most people, that voice does not disappear. What can change is its authority.
When shame is met with understanding rather than attack, the nervous system begins to feel safer. Over time, people develop the capacity to notice self-critical thoughts without automatically believing or obeying them.
When shame is met with understanding rather than attack, the nervous system begins to feel safer. Over time, people develop the capacity to notice self-critical thoughts without automatically believing or obeying them.
A compassionate perspective
Shame and self-criticism are not signs of weakness. They are signs of adaptation — strategies that once helped someone navigate challenging relational environments.
Healing involves recognising these strategies with care and gradually learning new ways of relating to oneself that are less punishing and more supportive.
Healing involves recognising these strategies with care and gradually learning new ways of relating to oneself that are less punishing and more supportive.
Selected Academic Sources
- Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Constable.
- Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and Guilt. Guilford Press.
- Longe, O., et al. (2010). Having a word with yourself: Neural correlates of self-criticism and self-reassurance. NeuroImage.
- Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion. HarperCollins.