Article 9: People-Pleasing and the Fear of Disapproval
Many people describe themselves as “people-pleasers” with a mix of embarrassment and frustration. They may feel overly responsible for others’ feelings, struggle to say no, or prioritise harmony at their own expense. Often, they know this pattern causes resentment or exhaustion, yet find it very difficult to change.
People-pleasing is often misunderstood as a personality trait. More accurately, it is a relational strategy shaped by experience.
What people-pleasing actually is
People-pleasing is not simply being kind or considerate. It involves monitoring others closely and adjusting behaviour in order to maintain approval, reduce tension, or prevent conflict.
This monitoring is often automatic rather than deliberate. The nervous system learns to scan for signs of disapproval and responds by adapting, accommodating, or self-silencing.
Where the pattern comes from
People-pleasing commonly develops in environments where:
- Emotional reactions were unpredictable
- Approval felt conditional
- Conflict led to withdrawal or escalation
- The needs of others took priority over one’s own
In these contexts, maintaining harmony may have felt necessary for emotional or relational safety. The pattern reflects adaptation rather than weakness.
Why people-pleasing is hard to stop
Many people try to change people-pleasing through willpower or assertiveness scripts alone. This often fails because the pattern is not driven by belief, but by perceived threat.
Saying no, expressing disagreement, or disappointing someone can activate anxiety, guilt, or fear of rejection. These reactions arise before conscious choice, making people-pleasing feel compulsory rather than optional.
Saying no, expressing disagreement, or disappointing someone can activate anxiety, guilt, or fear of rejection. These reactions arise before conscious choice, making people-pleasing feel compulsory rather than optional.
The hidden cost of people-pleasing
Although people-pleasing can preserve short-term harmony, it often leads to:
- Emotional exhaustion
- Resentment that feels difficult to express
- Loss of clarity about personal needs
- Uneven or unbalanced relationships
Over time, people may feel unseen or taken for granted, even when they appear outwardly accommodating.
People-pleasing and boundaries
People-pleasing is closely linked to difficulty with boundaries. When self-worth is tied to approval, limits can feel dangerous rather than protective.
This can create a cycle in which boundaries are avoided, resentment builds, and withdrawal or emotional distance follows.
This can create a cycle in which boundaries are avoided, resentment builds, and withdrawal or emotional distance follows.
A different way of understanding the pattern
Viewing people-pleasing as a learned safety strategy can reduce self-criticism. Change becomes less about forcing confidence and more about increasing tolerance for disapproval and difference.
Over time, many people find that relationships become clearer and more sustainable when approval is no longer the primary regulator.
Over time, many people find that relationships become clearer and more sustainable when approval is no longer the primary regulator.
A grounded perspective
People-pleasing is not a flaw to eliminate. It is a pattern that once made sense. Understanding it with care allows space for gradual shifts rather than abrupt self-confrontation.
Selected Academic Sources
- Fennell, M. J. V. (1997). Low self-esteem: A cognitive perspective. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy.
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.
- Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Constable.
- Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person. Houghton Mifflin.