Article 12: Trauma Bonds and Repetition in Relationships

Some people find themselves repeatedly drawn into relationships that feel intense, painful, or destabilising. Even when these relationships cause distress, leaving them can feel extremely difficult.

This pattern is often misunderstood as poor judgement or lack of self-respect. A more accurate understanding recognises the role of trauma bonding and repetition.

What trauma bonds are

A trauma bond refers to a strong emotional attachment that forms in the context of inconsistency, threat, or emotional unpredictability. Periods of closeness may alternate with withdrawal, criticism, or harm.

This pattern can create powerful emotional intensity, making the relationship feel uniquely significant even when it is damaging.

Why repetition occurs

The nervous system is drawn toward familiar emotional landscapes, even when they are painful. Familiarity can feel safer than the unknown.

Repetition is not a desire to suffer. It reflects an attempt — often unconscious — to resolve unresolved relational experiences or to regain a sense of control within familiar dynamics.

The role of intermittent reinforcement

Trauma bonds are strengthened by inconsistency. Moments of connection following distress can feel particularly relieving, reinforcing attachment despite harm.

This intermittent reinforcement makes leaving difficult, not because the relationship is healthy, but because the nervous system has become conditioned to the cycle.

Why insight alone is insufficient

Many people recognise harmful patterns clearly. They understand that a relationship is damaging, yet feel unable to disengage.

This is because trauma bonds operate at an emotional and physiological level rather than a purely cognitive one. Breaking the bond involves tolerating distress, uncertainty, and loss of familiar structure.

Moving away from self-blame

Understanding trauma bonds can reduce shame and self-criticism. These patterns are not evidence of weakness, but of learned attachment under threat.

Change usually involves increasing safety, stability, and support, rather than forcing separation through self-judgement.

A careful perspective

Not all intense relationships involve trauma bonding, and not all repetition reflects trauma. Avoiding over-pathologising is important.

Where trauma bonds are present, approaching the pattern with care and understanding allows space for change without coercion or blame.

Selected Academic Sources

1. Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships. Violence and Victims.
2. Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
3. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Penguin.
4. Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self. Norton.