Article 8: Boundaries — Why They’re Hard and What Gets in the Way

Boundaries are often talked about as if they are simple skills — something that can be fixed with the right words or enough confidence. In practice, many people find boundaries emotionally complex and difficult to maintain, even when they understand their importance.

This difficulty is rarely about communication alone.

What boundaries actually are

Boundaries are not rules or ultimatums. They are ways of regulating closeness, responsibility, and emotional exposure in relationships.

A boundary reflects an internal sense of:

• what feels manageable
• what belongs to you and what does not
• how much closeness or distance feels safe

When boundaries are working, relationships tend to feel more sustainable rather than more distant.

Why boundaries can feel threatening

For many people, setting boundaries triggers anxiety, guilt, or fear of rejection. This is especially common when earlier relationships were contingent on compliance, caretaking, or emotional availability.

In these contexts, boundaries may have been associated with:

• conflict or withdrawal
• criticism or disappointment
• loss of connection

As a result, asserting limits can feel risky at a nervous-system level, even when it is intellectually justified.

Boundaries and relational learning

Boundaries are shaped by relational experience. When limits were respected, boundaries could develop naturally. When limits were ignored, punished, or reversed, boundaries often remained underdeveloped or inconsistent.

This does not mean someone lacks boundaries. It means boundaries may feel unsafe to use.

Common boundary difficulties

Boundary challenges often appear as:

• saying yes when you mean no
• taking responsibility for others’ emotions
• difficulty asking for space
• resentment followed by withdrawal

These patterns are often mislabelled as people-pleasing or weakness. More accurately, they reflect attempts to preserve connection under perceived threat.

Boundaries are not about control

Setting a boundary is not about changing other people’s behaviour. It is about clarifying what you will and will not engage in.

This distinction matters. Boundaries regulate your participation, not someone else’s choices.

Learning boundaries over time

Developing boundaries usually involves experimentation rather than perfection. Boundaries may feel awkward, inconsistent, or uncomfortable at first.

With repetition, people often find that boundaries become less emotionally charged and more integrated into how relationships function.

A grounded perspective

Difficulty with boundaries does not mean someone is selfish, passive, or inadequate. It often reflects a history in which connection felt uncertain or conditional.

Understanding boundaries as relational regulation rather than assertiveness performance can reduce self-criticism and create space for gradual change.

Selected Academic Sources

1. Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson.
2. Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.
3. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries. Zondervan.
4. Jurkovic, G. J. (1997). Lost Childhoods: The Plight of the Parentified Child. Brunner-Routledge.